Tuesday, March 20, 2007

No donuts for YOU, Big Angry Beaver!

Big Angry Beaver is dead. Details are still coming in, but I have confirmed that Big Angry Beaver is now in that mountain meadow in the sky.

The day began like any other. Hrothgar, King of the Homeowner's Association, sent this note to the 436 subjects of the realm.

Hello Folks,

We have had a few requests wanting to know the date for our annual garage sale. Traditionally we have had our sale on the first Saturday after Mother's Day. This would be Saturday May 19, 2007 unless there is some kind a conflict with this date. My darling wife has volunteered to coordinate the event again this year. Her royal highness will be sending out details for the sale in a few weeks.

Please spread the word with your neighbors & encourage anyone not on our email list to get with the times. (longspeak for "I brought the Kool-Aid. Do I have to bring the cups too?)

Hugs & Kisses,


Pretty standard fare really. The next Homeowner's Association "One over the World" message carried the dread news . . .


You may already know this, but this afternoon we were at the north end of the lake and saw a large dead beaver by the side of the water. I don't know who takes care of removing this type of thing -- but it's pretty big.

A. Vassal

The renegade Beaver was dead. Not gone out like Johnny Dillinger, not like Jesse James, but like . . . Donald Rumsfeld. T.S. Eliot was right . . .

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Big Angry Beaver's was floating in the north end of the pond like a meat flavored lilly pad, a feast for the gulls. There was no last Hoorah, only silent bobbing at the shore. Big Angry Beaver had enemies that wasted no time confirming the facts, and worse . . . as the next message reports.

A. Vassal,

I also saw the beaver and raked it into the lake. Mother Nature (turtles) will take care of the carcass usually in short order. Nothing will go to waste.

Thanks for asking,

Hrothgar Triumphant
(f.y.i. from now on - Hrothgar the Victorious - will do nicely. Thank you very much.)

Like Antigone's King Creon, Hrothgar the Victorious' de facto decree that Big Angry Beaver is to be rendered into meat for the creatures of the pond and not to be buried: "touching this Beaver, it has been proclaimed to our people that none shall grace him with sepulture or lament, but leave him unburied, a corpse for turtles and dogs to eat, a ghastly sight of shame."

Good Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask you - who is our Antigone? Who is our dear sister of Justice and Mercy? Who dares defy the order of Hrothgar the Arrogant? What did the next to last message of the day contain?


I think a dog or another critter may have pulled . . . (the bloated, stinking corpse of the Big Angry Beaver) . . . back out of the lake. I will go over this evening and bury him.

On another note I am preparing an informational flyer that we can email and print up to advertise the Trash-Off day on Saturday, April 14. I was wondering if there is any money in the Homeowner's Association budget to purchase a few dozen donuts and water for those who are wanting to help?


Amanda Huggenkiss

The nearly instanneous reply was ...

Ms. Huggenkiss,

You know what? NO DONUTS FOR YOU!



Katie said...

Hilarious. Absolutely fantastic Don. I laughed so hard when I read ‘No Donuts for you!’ oh that is so great I’m still laughing.

On another note I’m sad that Big Angry Beaver is dead… but it did sound as if it was only a matter of time.

I think you should stage a coup and take control of the Homeowners Association. Think of the power you could have. The POWER Don! The POWER!!! ;)

Ron Simpson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ron Simpson said...

so BABs is gone for good. No worries about the Son of Big Angry Beaver coming after you for revenge?

Katie said...

Son of Big Angry Beaver....

hahahhahahahhaaaa.... :)

Ron Simpson said...

In a world devestated by the loss of the Big Angry Beaver, one beaver stands alone to take revenge. But first he must earn the mantle of his father. The son of Big Angry Beaver must overcome the vicious Hrothgar's minions to get his one shot at revenge. He will travel into the den of his enemy and confront the evil Hrothgar to gain acceptance by the Angry Beaver Clan and forever be known as Big Angry Beaver II.

Mel Odom said...

You're killing me here. All these pathos over a meat lily pad.