Friday, June 01, 2007

Hrothgar's Hillbilly Cousin and CPA

The right lingerie can change your life. I'm convinced of it, now more so that ever. I just received the most recent note from the Homeowner's Association President, Hrothgar. The swaggering commander of our 436 member host unlatched his word-hoard:

Feb 2007 Financial Statements

Hugs & Kisses,

There was an attachment - one Meg worth of scanned accountant-speak on a cornflower blue stationery. Beneath the dread letterhead was the news . . .

We have compiled the accompanying statement of assets, liabilities and net assets - modified cash basis of The Homeowners Association (a uniquely profit-free entity) as of late, and the related statement of revenues and expenses - modified cash basis for the One Month and Two Months ending a little bit ago, you know, in accordance with Statements on Standards for Accounting and Review Services issued by the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants.

This sounded serious, official even. Ah, but accounting, much like intimate apparel, has come a long way. From the simple and sweet to the . . . unmentionables . . . in the second paragraph . . .

A compilation is limited to presenting, in the form of financial statements that is the representation of management. We have not audited or reviewed the accompanying financial statements and, accordingly, do not express an opinion or any other form of assurance on them.

So instead of simply gazing at unsightly Visible Panty Lines (VPLs) of opinion and other forms of assurance that the science of accounting uses to bedazzle us, in paragraph three we see a fleshy bare derriere.

Management has elected to omit substantially all of the disclosures ordinarily included in financial statements prepared on the modified (asymptotically approaching zero) cash basis of accounting. If the omitted disclosures were included in the financial statements , they might influence the user's conclusions (jump back, Loretta!) about the Homeowner's Association's assets, liabilities, and changes in nets assets, and revenues and expenses. (ya think?) Accordingly, these financial statements are not designed for those who are not informed about such matters.

Well, since all of this is far too dense to be really comprehended by mere dues payers, who could lead us to . . . understanding?

We are not independent with respect to the Homeowner's Association.

. . . because we are Hrothgar's hillbilly kin.

Some time before Hrothgar runs for Mayor, he needs to learn two things:

1. Lingerie . . . is the curtain that separates the audience from the performance.

2. Get a different cousin to do the bookkeeping.


Katie M. said...

hahahahahaaa.... :)

Mel Odom said...

That's just too much. There's gotta be a book in living in communities like this.

Katie M. said...

hey! looking forward to borders tonight. I will for sure be there.... no lie! I promise! now all we need is for justin to show up... and sara and steve...