Monday, February 19, 2007

Beer-belly Beowulf

Something awful happened this weekend.

Big Angry Beaver swam all the way here from the River and bit down the biggest tree on the banks of the pond. He chewed and chewed on the tired, old Cypress until it splintered and fell into a heap, sprawled across the poo-slickened footpath. Then Big Angry Beaver decorated the carcass of the ancient tree with gnawings.

Why? I understand biting off the tender young saplings, but why the old Cyprus tree? Why? Did the Big Angry Beaver have some terrorist purpose in his violence? Was there some hidden message in those chew marks, that gnawed graffiti? Was the Homeowner's Association President right? Is the Big Angry Beaver a dread danger our good civilization can not endure?

Big Angry Beaver is powerful and sinister. He walks upright on his two hind legs like a man when he chooses. He has two tiny forelimbs. He slays with his mouth or jaws - a "muthbona" in old English or just plain "mutha" in most modern English. He hunts by night, alone. He stalks the marshy places of the property.

The Cyprus tree symbolizes survival in the after-life. Did Big Angry Beaver choose to murder the ancient Cyprus because of that? Was Big Angry Beaver sending a message? What did it all mean?

I had to know, so I went to modern day Oracle, typed the all information into Google and pressed the "I'm feeling lucky" button. The answer was so obvious - Big Angry Beaver is really the murdeing monster, Grendel, from the old Beowulf tale. It makes perfect sense to me now! Grendel's lair was a large swampy lake where other strange creatures lived. My pond has many strange creatures in it. Not all have feathers or fur. There are creatures like armadillos (too stupid to live, to hard to kick very far when you catch them digging up the yard), mean snapping turtles, frogs (wicked little screamers), and snakes (I caught one once while fishing, he still has my hook and a length of line - no, I don't want them back. yes, it was the very last time I went fishing in my 1/436th of the pond.).

The Beowulf legend also has an old King had always enjoyed success and prosperity. His kingdom was envied. He built a great mead-hall, called Heorot, where his warriors would gather to drink, receive gifts from their lord, and listen to stories sung by the scops, or bards. The jubilant noise from Heorot rang out across the countryside and angered the Grendel, the horrible demon who lived in the swamplands of Hrothgar’s kingdom. The great King, Hrothgar, never knew defeat ... until the Grendel came up from the marsh. From that moment on Hrothgar never tasted victory.

What sin of the Homeowner's Association President (Hrothgar) summoned the Big Angry Beaver (Grendel)? Our King Hrothgar went door to door in the Homeowner's Association asking people to sign voting proxies. All those who signed over the power of proxy forever gave Hrothgar their vote in Homeowner's Association meetings. Without reading the evil document, about a third of the Homeowner's Association signed, giving the prideful Hrothgar a golden Hammer. Hrothgar used the great Hammer to drive any measure he wished through the Homeowner's Association. Hrothgar's great Hammer also crushed all who opposed him (and now write blogs about things).

I sent the picture of the murdered Cyprus to the Homeowner's Association President, King Hrothgar. This was his reply:

"Thanks, we had some previous reports. I've called our beaver catcher to take care of the situation."

So, just as in the Beowulf legend, Hrothgar has sent out word for warriors to rally to the kingdom to fight the terrible Grendel.

And ... (once again, the toothless Hillbilly) Beowulf got ready, donned his war-gear, indifferent to death (pulls his sagging pants up over his neon white butt crack and loads a chaw of tobacco into his black stained mouth); his mighty, hand-forged, fine-webbed ... (galvanized metal traps) ... would soon meet with the menace underwater.

The tale nears its completion. Beer-belly Beowulf only has to get lucky once with one of his many body-gripping traps to snuff the life out of the Grendel. I'm afraid Time and Luck have run out for Big Angry Beaver.


Katie said...

as always a captivating read, Don. I laughed and I feel bad for Big Angry Beaver, even if he did chew down your tree. (which would make me very angry by the way)

and your trying it in with Beowolf is FANTASTIC!!! (just so you know)

The hillbilly is going to eat him, Don!!!

Katie said...

*your trying

you tying

duh... it's a stupid typing day I'm sorry!!!

Ron Simpson said...

i enjoyed it too

Jules said...

Wow, this sounds like something straight out of Lord of the Rings or something. You know what? I'm gonna have nightmares about Big Angry Beaver and his murderous rampage tonight now. *shiver*