Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Root canal "therapy"

Today my dentist told me that teeth are hard calcified objects, but their inner aspects are not completely solid. Inside every tooth there is a hollow space which entraps a tiny tooth demon. When the demon senses even the tiniest whiff of oxygen, it becomes ... excited. The demon stabs the tooth's meaty nerve pulp with its pitchfork. It drinks. It sings old Warren Zevon songs purposely off key. The randy tooth demon pines for its eventual union with the Tooth Fairy. The painful throbbing I felt, the dentist said, was really the tooth demon stomping in time to "Werewolves of London".

Once when I was a child, one of the demons drilled his way out of a bicuspid. I thought there was nothing that can be done. The dentist pulled the tooth. Soon enough, a shiny new tooth grew in its spot. I vowed to brush and floss that shiny new tooth so I could keep it forever. But one day, many years later a bad thing happened and that shiny tooth cracked. The demon inside was trying to get loose. I went to the dentist hoping to save the tooth. He drilled and drilled, then stepped back in defeat. The buxom dental assistant dabbed the beads of sweat on Mr. Dentist's forehead. He went back in and bravely put a temporary filling over the chasm in my tooth.

Now I'm going to get some root canal "therapy". It's going to be a long two weeks until my appointment with Mr. Dentist. I've practically memorized the lyrics already of the 1987 classic "Sentimental Hygiene". What's next, "Life'll Kill Ya"? Yeah, it figures.


Katie said...

I miss tooth demons. Root canals are fun to do. except for the dental dam. I hate to put those things on. it's like a condom for the mouth and they slip off all the time. lol. that's kinda dirty but oh well.

Skeeter said...

"Mouth condoms" is RIGHT! At one point Miss Jiggly, the dental hygienist, pinched down on the dental dam, grabbed my tongue and pulled it. I wanted to like it. I tried to like it. It felt more like she was massaging a herring than the ol' gobber.