Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Neighbor-Hoods

Sometime ago evil FEMA said the magic words and this happy kingdom by the pond was suddenly plunged in the long dark of the "100 year flood plain".

Biblical darkness, that is. Homes not selling. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Years of darkness. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.

FEMA was here to help. Emboldened by the Flood Disaster Protection Act of 1973, (part of US Code TITLE 42 CHAPTER 50 Sec. 4001 ), they sent around notes requiring Homeowner's Association members to pick up flood insurance. It's the law. Those homes noted by a survey or mortgage lender to be in the "100 year flood plain" require flood insurance for their mortgage.

Hrothgar's other shoeless hillbilly cousin took FEMA to task over the declaration. He said that FEMA was wrong. He said that FEMA couldn't come down here with their skinny pointed lizard shoes and big city ways and push us good folk around with their weird science, polysyllabic silly speak and extra-crispy legalisms. No, by God, he hired surveyors, engineers and wild-haired witch doctors from the church for the mediocre to come out and prove them government boys wrong.

So they set up the equipment, blocked off traffic, had some KFC and a few beers, then got out the magic chicken bones and chanted. Directly the ground began shake, the ducks bolted from pond, and eerie voices came from from beyond the veil. Then Joe Ed Twitty grabbed up something big and purple and labelled "ATOMIC" from the magic toolkit. "Hey, y'all, watch this," He said. Everyone jumped down and hugged the ground. There was a terrible clap of thunder and blobs of spectral energies rained down like biscuits out of Baptists. In no time at all, the whole durn place was knee deep in that kind of Inevitability that only comes from watching a tornado twisting through the prairie with your back to a trailer park.

Then the FEMA man drove up with bonafide FEMA maps now showing that all of our Association homes are outside of the 100 year flood plain. Woo hoo! Mighty Hrothgar's battle with FEMA is over, and victory is ours. This is the official communique from Hrothgar Triumphant:

All our Association homes are outside the 100 year flood plain. This means no one is required by their lenders to have the expensive flood insurance. However, most people located near creeks, streams, rivers or near areas with water back-up should probably buy flood insurance at the discounted rate which is outside the 100 year flood zone. My 101 class at the State Water Resourses Board revealed that 30 % of flood claims occur in the 500 year flood zone with 70% falling within the 100 year zone. The maximum annual premium is just a little over $300 at my brothers' agency just off of Main Street down by the railroad tracks.

1 comment:

Katie said...

"Hey, y'all, watch this," He said.