Monday, March 10, 2008

A Poopie Practice

Have you ever seen the man who boldly, confidently strides through the hallways at Work, a newspaper tucked under his arm, a cell phone going jingle-jangle-jingle on his belt loop, and a single-minded focus on reaching the restroom as elegantly, yet as quickly as decorum permits? Why? It's simple. There's an old Corporate Theory that says you do everything, including #2, on Company time. This works well enough for weekdays, but makes for some exceedingly uncomfortable weekends, especially those of the three day holiday variety.

We have a few subscribers to this Theory working for us at the Corporation. One such person, Mr. Guilderfleece, reads the entire paper (including circling want ads for that next best job to come) while perched upon the porcelain throne. For the life of me though, I can't imagine what could be so important that he has to talk about it on that cell phone from inside a restroom stall?

There are times when it doesn't pay to ask such questions. Today was one of those days.

Mr. Guilderfleece pulled back into the office from his morning Constitutional holding a bit of ill gotten booty over his head. Apparently at some point during the Sports page, he dropped the Lifestyle page. When Guilderfleece reached for his Lifestyle, he found a wallet down there. Not immediately knowing who its owner was, and being the Good Samaritan that he resolves to be, he opened the wallet to look for an ID. There was one in the featured, plastic-protected slot right in the front of the wallet. It was a photo membership card from a nudist colony in New Mexico. Maybe there's more to nudism than meets the eye, exactly how I can't imagine - having seen the photograph. I had to insist that Guilderfleece quit looking for more ... photo identification ... and contact the rightful owner of the wallet.

Guilderfleece used the Corporate Email Address Book and soon located the owner of the wallet, one Mr. Frank Wiggly. Franklin, as he says his friends call him, works in another building altogether, and just visits our building for the facilities - in the mornings, five days a week, that is.


Robyn said...

well...not sure really how to comment on this...except each to their own! WOW..really the whole paper? WOW! I am about business and moving on (no pun meant to be)!
LOL! Again...great post!
Its late (very early) need sleep!

Mrs4444 said...

There is some kind of "vibe" in your posts that I can't put my finger on, but I like it. Guess I'll have to keep coming back to figure it out!

You might appreciate my brother's post from yesterday...

He writes about another aspect of "the throne."

TerriRainer said...

LMAO...Am I to assume that you didn't care to peruse the wallet because it was a MAN???

Think about the crowd it would have drawn had the picture been of a FEMALE coworker...okay, as long as said coworker was young, and in shape, the ghastly sight of a naked, overweight woman with stretch marks would have been more traumatic than the nude photo of a man.

Before anyone starts judging me for that last comment, any nude photo of myself would cause convulsions, leading to permanent blindness. I actually went in to have my nipples pierced and the guy talked me out of it...told me it would scrape up my knees up.


NouveauBlogger said...

Great Post!

While I'm not very comfortable in "stall" type environments (much preferring the comforts of home) many of my co-workers lack any kind of inhibition at all when it comes to that. And there's no shortage of reading material in there either!

Suzanne said...

I called Rob in to read the first paragraph. I called him back to read the rest. He said "Where do you want me to begin?" I replied "Where did you end." We worked it out, he read the whole thing, chuckled and said "Go brother!" I think that sums it up beautifully!


bindhiya said...

I am not sure how to comment Robyn said!
take care
have a beautiful day!


Maria said...

I'm always amazed at anyone who can comfortably shit in a public building. And then to sit long enough to get a seat imprint on your ass all day????

Oh, um...thanks for stopping by my blog. Nice to meet you.

Eva said...

Wow. Um...I guess since I am commenting, I'll share a male ex-co-worker's story about the little boy's room in our building. He said there was a guy who went in there for his (ahem) constitutional, at the same time every day. He would bring a newspaper. At the precise moment of each, um, release, he would loudly flip the page and shake the paper straight, etc. in order to mask the noise. My friend found this to be hysterically funny.

TheSnarkiest said...

Ah, the perfect levels of sarcasm an wit I enjoy. I hadn't found a post worthy of an award for March 10, and here it is. I hope you don't mind that I award you as the Snarkiest Post of the Day belatedly. It is well deserved. The award is here:

Now if I can hold out til Monday for #2

casino neteller online said...

Bravo, your idea simply excellent